It's been no secret to those who know me or who have read my reviews of the previous Disney '"Star Wars" sequel trilogy (ST) films that I am not a fan. TBH, I had absolutely no hope at all that JJ Abrams could return Star Wars to it's former glory days, or even salvage what was left of it. So why did I see it? Because I am a fan of 'Star Wars' (which this is not), and I want to know what the current keeper of the franchise is trying to pass off as 'Star Wars'. What I experienced surprised even me.
'The Rise of Skywalker' is the worst movie I have ever seen.
(Drinking game opportunity; take a drink every time I use the word "convenient")
Gonna start at the top, and hit my thoughts one by one.
We all knew Emperor Palpatine was coming back ("The dead speaks!"), which is one of the laziest things I've ever seen. Snoke was killed off, so that character was a waste of time, and so instead the big baddie is a guy who we saw get thrown down a Death Star shaft and vaporized by the exploding Death Star 30 years prior, taking away the sacrifices, redemption, victory and celebration from Luke, Anakin, and the entire Original Trilogy (OT) heroes. This essentially makes (or tries to make) the OT depressingly pointless. Disney Lucasfilm also missed their final opportunity on finally have Kylo (the only semblance of an interesting new character) take his place as the true villain of this trilogy.
The movie opens with Kylo meeting “Palpatine”, who he planned to kill upon arrival, but quickly joins him; that was quick. This movie moves incredibly fast (which is often a plus for any movie) but in this case it’s simply a failed attempt to keep the action moving in hopes that we don’t notice how idiotic it all is.
This movie is nothing but one big “Mary Sue”, with the writers "inventing" (pulling out of their asses) new Star Wars lore that doesn't maintain the tone, balance, or yes, even a similar level of suspension of disbelief that we've all come to accept in this culture-defining space opera. And it's all in the name of convenience.
JJ and Co cant help but create ridiculous scenarios with space travel in these movies which contradict any semblance of rules that were set up by George long ago. It's okay to bring in some new ideas, but Lightspeed skipping??? And this after the plot hole-creating "Holdo maneuver" from Episode 8? One line from Han Solo in Episode 4 makes this technology easy to understand; "It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navicomputer... Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova...". But no, JJ has the crew jumping through light-speed at a moment's notice, repeatedly, easily and with no consequences.
Of course the first time we see Rey she is floating 15 feet above the ground while floating a dozen large rocks in the air around her. This is JJ trying to advance her capabilities in our minds, without ever having seen her earn or work for these abilities.
Leia's line to Rey, "Nothing's impossible", is yet another attempt by JJ to suspend ALL of the disbelief that we are about to experience in this movie. He wants us to give him a pass for lazy writing.
It's nice to see Rey finally training (2 hours before the ending of this 7 hour trilogy, and after numerous unbelievable feats she has already succeeded at to this point).
Rey's promise to Leia, "I will earn your brother's saber one day", is really a blatant promise to us after years of complaints that Rey simply hasn't done anything to earn any of the stuff she's "acquired" from others.
To answer the biggest question this movie presented to us, how is Star Wars big baddie Palpatine back? Well, we are enlightened by Poe during the Resistance meeting, "somehow Palpatine returned". "Dark science, cloning, secrets only the Sith knew": all possible explanations another character replies. But still, we are no closer to the answer.
Another example from Disney Lucasfilm obsessed with making everything BIGGER, LARGER, the MOST EVER (remind you of anybody?), it is said that Palpatine is building the "largest fleet the galaxy has ever known". Of course he is.
And then comes the mega exposition scene that gives us a lot of info in a very brief few moments: Palps is pulling the strings, Sith cloning, Sith legend planet Exegol. That's a lot of new info to take in, again, in the FINAL CHAPTER when things should be wrapping up, not revving up.
Just curious, why is Rey calling Palpatine the 'Emperor'? Wasn't that before her time? That title is what those of us who grew up in the 80's still call him.
Rose is conveniently left behind, no doubt due to negative reactions to her character from the previous episode. Rose got Jar Jar'ed.
Why does Threepio think he might not return? Just a lazy setup to create an artificially emotional moment between he and Artoo. I swear these screenwriters were so transparently fumbling to salvage what little was left of this franchise.
Rey gives Luke's (Anakin's) lightsaber to Leia because she doesn't feel she's earned it, but 5 minutes later when Leia offers it back, Rey has no reservations accepting it.
Legit question. Why did/would Kylo collect and keep the broken pieces of his helmet that he furiously smashed in the previous Episode? And when? He just walked away after.
Oh right, cause there's no story plan for the trilogy and JJ wanted the helmet back after Rian killed the past. Bonus reason: a new version of the toy helmet to (not) sell!
Another undoing by Rian that is now re-done by JJ: the Knights of Ren are BACK! Win!
But we still don't know anything about them. Fail!
Anybody recognize the First Order boardroom scene where Kylo chokes out a guy who doubts him? DING DING DING, correct! It's nothing more than another carbon copy by JJ, of the boardroom scene in Epsiode 4.
Really, JJ? Another sand planet? George created new planets and environments for each episode. This is the 2nd sand planet in as many movies, and they both came after the only desert planet that really matters: Tatooine.
First in Solo, and now again in Episode 9. Why do these characters insist on knowing the last name of people they meet. This is a huge galaxy with millions of planets, cultures, species and languages. Not everybody would have a last name. JJ is just setting up Rey's 007 moment at the end of the movie.
So JJ is jumping on the Force-Time action that Rian started. Just lazy, convenience-writing to find ways to bring characters who are apart, together.
I like Lando in his first scene back. Wasn't expecting that. Too bad that scene was in this movie.
The number of McGuffins in this film must be a record. We gotta get this one thing nobody's ever heard of before to find this other thing that nobody's ever heard of to get to the place to find the way to the other place. Storytelling at it's best. Hey, here's an idea! Lend one of these McGuffins to Indy; I hear he's still looking for a good one!
So Poe can quickly hot-wire this particular vehicle on this random planet in a galaxy full of all kinds diverse and limitless types of mechanical technology? What GREAT LUCK! I'll remind you that Han Solo failed to hot-wire the doors to a bunker on Endor.
Treadspeeders now? On the sand? In Star Wars? Driven by First Order troopers who have hover and jet-propulsion technology? Even Luke had his own landspeeder on Tatooine.
But hey... "they fly now".
Hey, wasn't it cool when the whole gang got blown off of the hot-wired speeder and landed right into the sinking sand pit situated DIRECTLY ABOVE where they needed to go? So cool, and convenient.
Then suddenly we're in The Goonies tunnels and find the skeleton of 'Chester Copperpot', who has McGuffin #1, which they will use to find McGuffin #2!
Force Healing. that's a big leap they took when we've never really seen that (or even heard of it before) in SW movies. But I guess Rey can do whatever she wants, when she needs to, cause you know, convenience. And it sets us up for the movie climax, right?
So there's been an abandoned, perfectly good working ship just sitting in the desert right outside a populated town for years, and nobody's taken it?
What was the point of the Rey v. TIE fight? I mean I know why JJ wanted it in there. It was the first trailer for the movie. Wouldn't Kylo have found a more efficient way of engaging with Rey then by running over her in a TIE? Not very personal. Oh, but then we wouldn't have seen her jump really, really high. It was really high, so we know she's the best at jumping high.
As unbelievably and inexplicably strong in the Force they have made Rey over the past 2 and half movies, nothing prepared me for her Force Grabbing the transport ship out of mid-air. That's some video-game caliber abilities there. I prefer my Jedi-abilities in the movies to be more grounded. Is it just me?
Rey is just too powerful, training or not. She never has to work to earn her skills. It's hard to root for somebody like that, not to mention you lose any sense of suspense.
So, Force Lightning is supposed to be a dark-side power, but I guess we'll find out why Rey can summon this power later in the story, right?
Nobody really believed Chewie was dead, right? Of course not! This is a JJ movie afterall, so we only had to mourn a grand total of TWO MINUTES before JJ said "SIKE!". Chewie is still with us.
D-O. Yet another NEW character introduced in the final episode, in a movie that needs all the time in the world to wrap up the story and character arcs that already exist, because of the two terribly written previous episodes.
Zori Bliss. See comments on D-O above.
Threepio's "last look" was the only moment that touched me, probably in this entire ST, but alas I am reminded that it is meaningless, since these people aren't his REAL friends.
... and because it's a JJ movie, Threepio's memory is BACK before too long! Just remember, "Nobody's ever really gone...". So there are never really any sacrifices or consequences (or drama) for anything!
And just two minutes before he needs it, Poe gets a McGuffin of his very own: A Captain's Medallion for free passage and landing of any vessel, anywhere, anytime! Yay! Not convenient at all!
Landing on Kylo's First Order Destroyer sounds difficult, right? Not for Rey, Poe, Finn and Chewie! They can set down right in the landing bay with only a few troopers around, and easily walk the corridors using Rey's mindtrick!
More Force-Time between Rey and Kylo, since JJ has written his two most important characters separated for most of the story this is the only, and most convenient, way they can engage.
I think what's worse than Force-Time, Force-Time-Fighting, Force Projection and miraculous Force Healing introduced in this trilogy, all poorly BTW, is the idea of Force Teleportation. This is setting us up for a way out for Kylo and Rey in the end. If anybody can just teleport weapons to each other at a moments notice with their minds, then I give up. There are no challenges left.
So Kylo and Rey are a Force "Dyad" now? How does Kylo know this and Palpatine doesn't? Palpatine seems to be all knowing and all powerful. Rey is only his granddaughter, after all.
Although the subsequent novelization of the movie throws new, explanatory material into the mix which makes this absolute mess of a story line even messier. Rey is actually the daughter of... wait for it, a Palpatine clone????????
WTF.
Hux, another pointless and wasted character. Phasma now has company.
Why, oh WHY did the Falcon crash on Endor? Can somebody please tell me? I know JJ likes to crash the Falcon every chance he gets, but why, IN THE STORY, did it happen this time. My brain hurts.
Enter McGuffin #1: An ancient Sith dagger, forged to locate the Throne Room on crashed and partially submerged Death Star #2 (which landed only 30 years ago), but only if you're standing in exactly the right place to use it, where our lucky protagonists just happen to stop right at.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
So the Death Star is largely intact. Just want to point that out to anybody who may have seen Return of the Jedi, when it clearly vaporized in space. But that won't stop JJ from having his own scene in the Throne Room, which is also, largely intact. Convenient???
This brings us to McGuffin #2; the Wayfinder! Are we getting close yet?
We've seen capable Rey Palpatine heal a big snake earlier in this story right? So there should be no problem in believing that she can heal and bring back to life her favorite Dyad partner, Kylo.
Luke dies after he Force Projects himself. Leia dies after she Force Communicates with Kylo. Maybe the Skywalkers should stop making long-distance calls, no?
If Leia posthumously sent the Force Projection of fake Han Solo to persuade Kylo, why didn't she try that before she died?
Hey Harrison, run a comb through your hair before showing up to film your only scene in this movie.
I can't ignore the new Sith Destroyers and their unfortunate geographically-placed... penis cannons?
Luke Force Ghost: "A Jedi's weapon deserves more respect."
So we're retconning Episode 8 now?
In Episode 8, Force Ghost Yoda shoots lightning down from the sky. Here, Force Ghost Luke raises his submerged X-Wing out of the ocean. Why aren't an army of Force Ghost Jedi fighting this war for the Resistance?
So Leia did have some training after-all. Still doesn't excuse Leia Poppins in Episode 8, Rian, sorry.
Hey, look everybody! It's McGuffin #3, which is actually Wayfinder #2. We're saved!
Aaaaand, there's JJ's attempted clean-up of Rian's "Holdo maneuver" from Episode 8. Nice try, JJ, but there's no reason why you can't just send hundreds of droid-piloted, hyper-space capable ships out to kamikaze the Sith fleet thanks to Rian, and you know it.
How does Rey know where to land when she gets to Exegol? Maybe I should stop asking these questions, right? I mean, it's Rey.
Are those...horses, running on-top of the ship?
Okay, just making sure.
Palpatine's dialogue in this Throne Room scene is suspiciously identical to his dialogue in the Throne Room scene in Return of the Jedi. Palp also shows Rey the ongoing battle outside, as he did with Luke in ROTJ.
Did JJ just make me pay to see the same movie twice? Well he did that with The Force Awakens also, so...
Who are all of these robed cultists surrounding "Palpatine"? So confused. This movie doesn't explain anything.
And there's the payoff to the Force Teleportation first introduced earlier. Just in time for Kylo/Ben to do away with the Knights. It becomes just too easy, and convenient.
New Star Wars terminology alert: "life-force". Just in time, too. This movie is almost over and I was afraid I wouldn't learn anything else new!
If Palp is a clone, is he the last one? Is there another one? How many more Palp clones are there? Will this ever end???
Oh look at that; this Palpatine clone just Force Lightning the entire sky. That's powerful. George's Palpatine couldn't do that. This one must be better.
So. Are you telling me. That all Rey needed. To finally destroy this "Palpatine". Was TWO lightsabers??!!?!?
That's really all it took. If only Yoda used a 2nd lightsaber this could have ended long, long ago.
Just putting this out there. What this "Palpatine" wanted was for Rey to destroy him, so he could win.
Rey destroyed him.
So... did "Palpatine" win?
When did Ben learn how to Force Heal? Oh, well they're a dyad, right? So that literally does explain everything I guess.
I really don't have an opinion about the Reylo kiss. My brain melted back when Rey force grabbed a transport ship from the sky.
Why couldn't Rey save Ben again? I swear things just happen or not in this movie out of mere convenience.
There's no possible explanation for Ben body to disappear, becoming one with the Force after death. You have to learn out to do that before you die. Even Anakin's body didn't disappear when he died.
It's nice to see everybody celebrating at the end of the movie, but the same thing happened after Episode 6. Don't they know that no one's ever really gone?
Aaaaaand now she buries the Skywalker's lightsabers in the sand, right in front of a, wait for it... scavenger.
You know, a lot of fans would have loved to see Rey actually build that lightsaber.
George said the Jedi have only two colors of lightsaber crystals; blue and green (and made an exception for Sam Jackson cause he's a BMF. But if we haven't learned by now that Rey can do and have anything she wants...
Why does Rey take everybody's stuff? Millenium Falcon, X-Wing, Chewbacca, Luke's saber, Leia's saber, the Chosen One title, the New Hope title, and now the Skywalker's last name?!!!??! I guess she is a scavenger, but NO! I'm drawing a line in the Tatooine sand. She is Rey PALPATINE, now and forever.
Thank the Maker that the ST is all over.
It really shouldn't be very hard to make a good Star Wars movie. Look to the first 6 for inspiration. Hell, the first 3. Take some Saturday Morning Serials, mix it with the drama and romance of a space opera, add some situational humor, and wrap it all up with humility and humanity. Story comes first. Be true to the originals.
Star Wars: #ThereAreOnlySix
